Found By Merton

Have you ever picked up a book, started reading and known that this book was for THIS time? That is how I feel about Thomas Merton's, "New Seeds of Contemplation".  I had given up on Merton after attempting his autobiography twice in Korea and never really getting past half way.  I never ventured onto his other stuff.  This book "New Seeds" crossed and re-crossed the Pacific ocean waiting to be read for such a time as this.  It is almost like Merton found me.  ; ) 

I'm so intrigued by how relevant Merton is for our time because in his own way he deals with issues of faith, being human, humility, community and his own changing culture.  When I picked up the book to read I thought he'd be talking about the contemplative life in the sense of "prayer" and "separation from the world".  Instead I've found that he is speaking about LIFE in all its wrestling, struggling and living.  

I wrestle with what it means to faithful to both Christ and his calling on my life in this post-modern, post-Christian, post-whatever context.    I struggle with the developed world's demands to be busy and productive as if we have to prove we are "some-bodies". We are really becoming "some-things". I don't always know what choices to make in the world of technology. I just know that "being connected" isn't making me connected in the way my humanity longs for.  Yet in Merton's book he describes LIFE within all the dissonance.  Even in the wrestling, struggling and choice making the One we call God breathes life into each one of us, giving us new life and making us more truly human than we were before.  

Line after line I underline.  Here are just a few "seeds" to ponder. 

Merton on Solitude

"the truest solitude is not something outside you, not an absence of men or of sound around you; it is an abyss opening up in the center of your own soul.  And this abyss of interior solitude is a hunger that will never be satisfied with any created thing." (80)

Merton on Tradition/Revolution (and for me the description of a "post-modern" people)

"For the revolutions of men change nothing.  The only influence that can really upset the injustice and iniquity of men is the power that breathes in Christian tradition, renewing our participation in the Life that is the Light of men.

To those who have no personal experience of this revolutionary aspect of Christian truth, but who see only the outer crust of dead, human conservatism that tends to form around the Church the way barnacles gather on the hull of a ship, all this talk of dynamism sounds foolish.

Each individual Christian and each new age of the Church has to make this rediscovery, this return to the source of Christian life.

It demands a fundamental act of renunciation that accepts the necessity of starting out on the way to God under the guidance of other men.  This acceptance can be paid for only by sacrifice, and ultimately only a gift of God can teach us the difference between the dry outer crust of formality which the Church sometimes acquires from the human natures that compose it, and the living inner current of Divine Life which is the only real Catholic tradition." (144-145)

Merton on Faith

"True faith is never merely a source of spiritual comfort.  It may indeed bring peace, but before it does so it must involve us in struggle.  A "faith" that avoids this struggle is really a temptation against true faith." (106)

Merton on Integrity

" In great saints you find that perfect humility and perfect integrity coincide.  The two turn out to be practically the same thing. ....  "humility consists in being precisely the person you actually are before God, and since no two people are alike, if you have the humility to be yourself you will not be like anyone else in the whole universe.   But this individuality will not necessarily assert itself on the surface of everyday life.  It will not be a mater of mere appearances, or opinions, or tastes, or ways of doing things.  It is something deep in the soul." (99)

 

Prayer: Listening and Silence

Prayer and especially listening prayer has been on my mind a lot these days. It is a way of being with God that my heart longs for. Listening prayer or centering prayer is really a way of sitting (I suppose one could stand, walk or run) with God. This was first introduced to me in Seminary through Thomas Keating. When I left for Korea I took with me a few books written by a American Jesuit whose lived his adult life in the Philippines, Thomas Green. In 2006 I spent a week at his seminary on retreat. He is one of those unknown saints that has a host of gems to teach us through his life and writings.  I highly recommend anything he's written and especially, "When The Well Runs Dry". 

Thomas Green really helped me begin to think about prayer as a way of listening and being. I had always thought that if in my prayers or reading of scripture I felt nothing, that I was doing something wrong.  I failed to realize everyone has these seasons!  Thomas Green's book, "When the Well Runs Dry" changed my paradigm of what "dry" spells in the Lord can be. Instead of judging myself to be inept at prayer or even disobedient I came to realize that like life's seasonal rhythms prayer also has seasons. These seasons don't always repeat themselves and they are not in regular intervals but they note a changing and even a deepening in my relationship with Him. It isn't about finding what "works" in prayer and it isn't about consuming God in my sporadic mountain highs. Instead it is about learning to be, regardless of what is felt or not felt, learning to return regularly in faith and also learning to be lead into different places that feel uncomfortable. 

Despite dryness Green would talk about the commitment to listen and be with God.  I picture Thomas Green lying on the chairs in the Atenao Seminary in Manila early every morning he was physically able. He talked about not "feeling" anything for years but none the less he came to be with the God he trusted there--listening and in silence. He choose to be in the open, where the men training to be priests could see him. He did this not to boast of his regular time with God but to model his commitment to listening in all seasons with the Lord (and especially the long dry one).  

I don't know this LONG dry time but I do know something of the power of silence and stillness with the Lord.  The sweetest times with the Olivetian Benedictine Sisters in Korea were the extended periods of silence where in community we stood still with the opportunity before us of being fully present with God. It was a regular practice for them and I'm sure there were days when God's nearness was missed by most entirely. Call it dryness, call it hurriedness, call it acedia or something. Yet for me since I never understood the language of the mass nor the language of the prayers--they were all in Korean--the moments of silence where the time where this blonde haired outsider was in with everyone. I spoke the same God language as everyone else--presence and stillness. 

As I'm reading the Psalms these days I am captivated by how often the words waiting and stillness come up. How often in my life have I been taught a language of prayer that excludes any sense of presence, stillness, or waiting? They are uncomfortable! They are especially uncomfortable when we live perpetually engaged with technology and the people behind the technology.  Even our weekly worship can encourage us not to listen as every moment is scripted and filled with images and noise.  I believe there is a hunger or a longing within our generation going unnoticed by many; it is a longing for listening to God in silence, stillness and waiting.  (even in the midst of the noise and especially in the periods of dryness)

Prayer: In response to reading

Tim Keel of Jacobs Well is hosting a book reading "club" on his website. He's posting each week on the book, "The Good Life", by Rob Benson. It is an introduction to the Benedictine rule of life.  One of the hopes I had in returning to the USA was joining an oblate group and/or learning formally about the Benedictine rule.  I've found that oblate group or it found me... And was pleasantly surprised when a friend linked me to Tim's blog regarding his book reading "club".  This week I commented on Tim's entry "BBC 2: Prayer - Introduction which I've posted below. 

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It is a peculiar thing this prayer. Even more peculiar is the way in which I was taught to pray and the way in which the young spirit in me was drawn to pray as a child/adolescent. They couldn’t have been more different.

I remember great Sunday school teachers and summer camp speakers giving me the sure fire formula for prayer. Was it fashioned after the Lord’s Prayer? A.C.T.S. Adoration, Confession, Thanksgiving and Supplication (su-pli what?) It was so scientific this way of breaking up the kinds of things we say in prayer yet without mention of the kind of listening that prayer calls us to. I can’t even count the number of “prayer journals” I tried to start over the years. Some people fair well by keeping track of all the prayer requests and how God answers but that has lasted at most only a couple of weeks for me. There were times when I just thought I wasn’t cut out for this prayer stuff. And you know, I’ve come to realize, I’m not. I’m not cut out for the “stuff “ that goes with prayer.

I was a praying child and my sense is that many kids regardless of their faith traditions at home were praying children. As a kid prayer was a conversation with this “Other” I knew but was only beginning to name GOD, Jesus and Holy Spirit. I knew Him, this One we talked to before bed, this One they sang to in “big” church, and this One we heard about in Sunday school. But I knew him even before that. This "One" or "Other" was so present and so near. I'd fall asleep at night knowing this One was right there with me. Some kids had the boogie man and I had the "Other" hiding out in my room.

As a pre-teen I had a paper route. It was and continues to be the greatest organic spiritual practice of my life. Each weekday and each weekend over a period of 3 years I rolled 60 plus newspapers bagged them and delivered them around the neighborhoods on my bicycle. From my current vantage point I know this life period fostered a way knowing God in a deeper way.  I had no idea what I was doing at the time!  From outward appearances I was a little girl preparing papers for delivery—how boring-- but on the inside I was a little girl playing with her Father, shooting the breeze, reviewing my day with Him, listening to His voice of correction or encouragement…mostly encouragement during those tumultuous days. I’d set off on my bike into the apartment complexes and sometimes got caught “talking to myself”. Embarrassing! Everyday for about 2 hours I’d hang out with this ONE. No one told me I’d meet Him there or that I should expect Him. He was just there and somehow I recognized God inviting me into a conversation. No one told me, “This would be a great devotional time”. If they had, I would have gotten out my notebook of prayers and made sure I was praying by the correct formula! Oh what a huge loss that could have been. The grace of not “knowing” I was praying was the grace of being able to pray fully, freely, and in a deeply filling way.  

I experience the guilt of not “praying” in my adult life at times. I’ve not been very “good” at setting out specific times of “prayer”. As I get older I realize I do need this. I find that when I keep regular times of prayer that my whole being is more in tune with what is real. This said prayer has taken on a more holistic meaning. While regular times of sitting and speaking and listening with God are needed, I still mind myself recovering that childhood way--it is much harder as an adult. Sometimes I  find that prayer happens when I’m running, walking, or biking. It happens when I with friends, on the bus and in the coffee shop. You know when I notice I don't pray much is when I'm on the internet or watching TV. Why is that? Often there is this running conversation going on in my head still even as an adult. I’m definitely not always aware of it! Many times I'm not. The challenge for me lately is to do less of the talking and more of the listening! I never thought of myself as the typical chatty girl but when it comes to my speaking with God that is exactly what I am. There is this deep drawing in me lately to let my words be few and let my presence be full. This is no A.C.T.S. kind of prayer! There is no formula or science. And I’ve turned to the monastics I'm finding the kind of mentoring my so as to learn   my praying heart longs for.

Birthday Gifts

The best gifts are people. I was given 9 great gifts for my birthday last night. I hosted a dinner for 10. I would have invited more but our table only fits 10. Too bad! Except for the couple I live with all the others are friends I've been getting know since September. What a great way to have a birthday. I've been blessed by each person this fall/winter as I've transitioned back to KC. I'm grateful. I cooked and prepared food for taco salad. We ate and talked...a lot. What a joy.

Yuling, who I had taught cake baking to before Christmas, surprised us with a delicious cake of her own. Everyone raved of her cake baking skills!

Sharing Snow Fun

So the last weekend with my family has been full of fun. I must say I've laughed more in the last 2 weeks than I have in ages. Joy, my friend from Beijing, has been a gift to be around. We've slept in, watched movies, cooked American and Chinese food, shopped, got her ears pierced for the first time, worked out and talked and talked and talked. I feel like I have a Chinese sister.

I have LOVED seeing my whole family enjoy her presence. My brother never visited me in Korea but I got a sense of what that might have been like today as he taught Joy how to snowboard. He was so patient and kind. My brother suited Joy up with all the right gear and and spent a couple of hours teaching her. She improved a lot from start to finish but never got to try the "real" mountain. Even so she seemed to enjoy the "bunny slopes". She told us that my dad might have to make her an artificial butt. (my brother and father make artificial legs) She fell so much today that she had to check to see if she still had hers. Luckily it is still there. There will be no need for a prosthetic rear device. We laughed.

I will return to KC on Monday. I'm looking forward to being in one city for a while and catching up with growing friendships there. I figured out that while I've been in the USA for 4 months I've not been in one place more than 4 weeks. It is time to stay in one place for a while. Let's see if I can stay in one place for 2 months! 3? 4? 5? That might be pushing it.